Lose the Rod and Spare the Child

I was having a very interesting discussion with my supervisor about the use of punitive discipline measures on younger children. I was brought up by two very sweet and caring (and if I may add, rational) parents who used the cane on me when I was rude or offensive or when I stole a bunch of pencils while I was in Kindergarten. They moderated the caning with clear explanations of why they hit me. I am very proud of the way they brought me up so I told Ms. P, my supervisor, that I would cane my children when they were young.

I am not sure if I've changed my mind but the discussion that progressed has definitely lent me new insights into parenting and disciplining children.

My rationale for caning (e.g. the back of the leg) at least up till Primary 2 is because I feel the first 8 years are the formative years. It is my worry that children, especially little children, do not fully understand the severity of their actions, that is, they are not disciplined for bad behaviour, they will not know bad behaviour even if it stared them on the face. I also shared that I felt that little children might not understand completely even if you try to rationalize with them as they are still developing their reasoning skills. They might then be more susceptible to bad influences from outside. Ms. P first shared that it is incorrect to believe that really young children cannot understand. There are ways to make them do so. There are different, non-punitive ways of disciplining children like Effecting a Time Out System or cutting off the number of hours from Play Time. These will enable them to understand that their behaviour should not be repeated if they want to return to what they were doing before. Besides, non-punitive discipline measures, she said, if effected consistently and at the appropriate times will have positive effects.

Message behind caning?

Oftentimes, in our profession, we tell the individuals we meet for counselling who hit their children until they are black and blue that their act of caning was wrong because "it hurt or injured their child". So would it have been right if it did not have any visible scars? What about the non-visible wounds - like the fear instilled or the feeling of insecurity? Could we perhaps be telling them that wrong behaviours should be followed by punitive disciplining?

Haim G. Ginott (1922–1973), a clinical psychologist, child therapist, educator, and author of several books on the relationships between children and parents writes:

"Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other."
- Haim Ginott

Perhaps they do. For social workers, a lot of their work is theory-driven. We believe that we, as adults, teach our children how to react when they are faced in the similar situation. In short, we model for them and they learn from us. Therefore, when we hit, we give them the message that the only way to "treat" worng behaviours is to punish or "discipline" the other person. It is no wonder some children go to school and when they are bullied or picked on or even when they feel wronged, they immediately lash out at the other person, either to chastise or to injure or hurt the other.

There is a very fine line between punitive discipline and punishment therefore we probably should decide not to use this form of discipline.

Child abuse in Singapore

A Straits Times article dated 10 May 2008 that the reported number of abused and neglected children brought to the courts for Care and Protection Orders (CPO) has been rising steadily over the past decade. The number stood at 114 last year, compared to just 18 in 1996. In one-third of the 114 cases last year, the abusers were the children's mothers, with fathers accounting for about one-fifth of the cases. One in four was abused by both parents.

It is often a myth that fathers are the main abusers of the children. Very often, we find mothers abusing their children because of the greater amount of time they spend with them.

The article also said that the problem of child abuse cuts across all income-groups, thereby breaking the myth that abuse only occurs in low-income families. There are cases where the child's parents hold master's degrees or are well-respected in their fields. We find that oftentimes when children do not meet their expectations, parents 'react in extreme ways' by confining the kids, using physical violence or inflicting emotional abuse.

Do you have the "right to hit your child"?

Sadly, for some, but most truly, we do not have the right to hit anybody. Children are protected under the Children and Young Persons Act.

We have to stop the culture of revenge and violence that have pervaded our lives. If we teach our children not to hit others then can we try to practice that ourselves.

I leave you with a very interesting and funny quote or poem I chanced upon...

When a child hits a child,
we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult,
we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult,
we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child,
we call it discipline."
- Haim Ginott